Chettan

 Chettan.

Hot sultry humid Kerala summer is a bitch. And no train tickets available from Kochi to my parents' place. Thus I did what I had not done in many years.

Catch a bus.

I did. And caught something more than I had bargained for.

By sheer stroke of luck, I ended up sitting next to a rather pretty young lady. Now, being the dignified gentleman that I am, I resolved to mind my own business. But fate (and a nosy lottery seller) had other plans.

Enter our friendly neighborhood lottery ticket seller, a man who apparently moonlights as a matchmaking guru. He sized us up, smirked knowingly, and said to her, “Mole, buy a ticket. Chettan won’t mind at all.” (If you live in the 'Gulf' and do not know any Malayalam, you still know what 'mole' means)

Now, ‘Chettan’ in Kerala can mean elder brother, but these days, it’s thrown around as a respectful address, regardless of age or seniority. However, in this context, it was painfully obvious that he meant something else.

She blinked. I blinked. And then, we both burst out laughing.

“Er… we are not related like that,” I clarified, while she nodded, still amused.

The ticket seller refused to buy it. He gave me the classic uncle smirk. “Ayyoo, no need to pretend. Just buy the ticket for her if she won’t.”

By now, half the bus was invested in our ‘love story.’ I could almost hear aunties whispering, uncles smirking, and the conductor watching like he was ready to officiate our imaginary wedding.

As the journey went on, the girl and I got talking. She was visibly shocked when I mentioned my daughter is in the University.

“No way! You don’t look that old!” she gasped.

Ah, music to my ears. But this isn’t the first time I’ve been mistaken for a younger man. Years ago, when I accompanied my daughter to school, her classmates assumed I was her elder brother. Once, at a village office, a staff member referred to me as ‘payyan’ - which means ‘young dude.’ What can I say? Not everyone is blessed with awesome genes like me. My physique doesn’t help either; apparently, the less mass you have, the more the world thinks you’re a 'payyan'.

Even the conductor wasn’t immune to the confusion. He checked my ticket and asked, “Chetta, where are you going?”

I looked at him; he looked old enough to be my uncle. But then again, some people just aren’t as genetically fortunate as yours truly.

The girl and I discussed briefly about age and related stuff. Pausing for a moment, she asked, 'What is age to you?' My knees were stiff from almost 2 hours of sitting. I grimaced, winked and declared; 'Wisdom!'.

Her shy smile made me a 'payyan' for a full 5 seconds.

Before my journey ended, the girl had to get off. As she reached the exit, she paused, turned, and with a cheeky smile said, “Chetta, potte?” — which loosely translates to “See you, Chetta!”

And just like that, she was gone, leaving the Chettan grinning like a 'payyan'.

*Dedicated to all Chettans worldwide!