Every December, at work, we have Secret Santa. This year's is happening next week. Secret Santa asks us to share our wish list, which is adorable, but what I truly need is far beyond photo frames ( I have enough at home to burn Rome down), unisex perfumes or another ceramic mug. This year, I have decided to submit a wish-list that might not be realistic, ethical, or even legal; but is absolutely essential for my continued existence in society.
1. A lift-activated mobile destroyer.
A discreet device that vaporizes any phone placed on speaker mode inside a lift. Bonus feature: A polite message that says, “This could’ve waited, u schmuck.”
2. A universal mute button.
Primarily for coworkers who breathe loudly on calls, over-explain simple concepts, or believe “reply all” is their birth right. Works from up to 30 meters away. Longer range models available for open offices.
3. The big-mouth silencer 3000.
A sleek, pocket sized device that automatically powers down whenever someone begins a sentence with, “You know, when I was in London…” or “My son, the genius…” It emits a soft “shhhh” followed by a gentle ego-deflating mist.
4. The auto-block selfie addict filter.
Connects to your social media and instantly unfollows anyone who uploads more than three selfies a day, especially the ones with captions like “felt cute” or “random candid” (taken after 47 retries). Also bans people who pout at the camera like there's a horny duck somewhere up in their family tree.
5. The WhatsApp rose exterminator.
An AI-powered bot for group chats that detects good morning roses, glitter GIFs, and sun emojis before they reach your screen. It automatically replies on your behalf with: “This message has been composted.” Members sending more than 10 roses a week are rudely removed with an accompanying sound similar to 'thooooo...'
I know this list makes me sound unhinged; but if Secret Santa truly cared about world peace (or my sanity), these are exactly the gifts we would be exchanging.
Until then, here’s another mug that says “Stay Positive.” Sure. I’ll try.
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