Monday, November 5, 2018

Sauce by the side


Have you ever done babysitting? Yes? So that means most probably, you don’t have kids of your own. If you have, you wouldn’t dare. Once bitten, forever shy.

I had finished my graduation and was looking for opportunities. My neighbor, Alex Uncle told me that he and aunty had to attend a wedding at a faraway town but his kids had exams coming up. I had to babysit his kids. I was not convinced. 

But I think Alex uncle was a toastmaster. He told me there are 3 kids. The 19 year old college going girl Anita; a very attention grabbing opening statement. Then there was a 9 year old boy Samson; the body which was very poorly drafted, and finally a 3 year old daughter Teena; a rather harmless looking conclusion in diapers.
I have seen the eldest daughter before I had never spoken to her. And I said Yes. 

At 8 in the morning I was present at the Alex residence. Before leaving Uncle Alex told me; “don’t turn your back, don’t look away, don’t…blink. We will be back tomorrow morning”. His wife looked at me with a very sad face…like she was never going to see me again….came close to me….put a hand on my shoulder and said; “Good luck”. Then they left. 

The college going kid Anita was looking bored, the 9 year old Samson was watching TV, and the 3 year old Teena was on the sofa.

I looked at Anita, flashed my toothy grin and said in my deepest possible baritone voice “Hi”…..She walked straight to her room, opened the door, looked at me, said “BYEEE”..and banged the door shut.
That’s when I noticed that the 3 year old was running towards the front door. I ran and grabbed lil Teena, and placed her on the sofa.
And then somebody pulled my shirt; the 9 year old Samson had a steel plate in one hand and a rusty kitchen knife in the other…and he screamed…”COME ON…let’s us play…let us play gladiator!!”

Ladies & gentlemen, I am a very peace loving individual who wanted to do some useful with his life. Ending up at the wrong end of a kitchen knife, in the name of entertainment was not part of my plans.
I asked him; “is it okay if we watch the gladiators documentary on National geographic?” “Nooooo”…cried Samson. “National geographic is for losers…it is all staged…the blood is not real. Come on …let us go to war…show me the blood!!”.

Factoid: I am the sort of peace loving guy who faints minimum 15 times during an injection. First the nurse has to convince me that I wouldn’t die. Then she has to wait for my shaking hand to settle down, that she can grab it. Then she has to find a vein to insert the needle. Then she has to find blood. Most of the time it is like looking for a toastmaster during table topics. You know that they are there, but they pretend they are NOT. More like…now you see one…now you don’t.

And now Sergeant Samson wants to see my blood. I don’t have much and I’m not sharing it. I jumped on top of the dining table and screamed, “Don’t come any closer!” Samson yelled, “Get off the table. It is dangerous!”

What is more dangerous than getting stabbed with a rusty kitchen knife!, I thought. Samson pointed to the table and shouted, “Bad table!”.....and the table collapsed. Anita opened the door; looked shocked and declared, “I am calling the police”.

NOOOO!!

I got up. Above me, a bottle of pickle had broken and I had half of it in my hair. Under me, a plastic squeeze bottle of tomato ketchup was squashed and there was a strange warm feeling inside my trousers. In front of me, Sergeant Samson had his rusty kitchen knife pointed at my nose…and he screamed, “Surrender, you vermin!”

As I watched, lil Teena was once again running towards the open front door. I got up, ran after her, picked her up and was about to lock her inside the kitchen. That’s when a woman appeared in front of the door and she called out, “Is Sandra here?” I said NO. “No Sandra here”.
“Momma!!”..lil Teena cried out. “This stranger won’t let me go. He was now going to lock me in the fridge. Helppp!”

This was somebody else’s kid? What is she doing here? Where is lil Teena? Why my hair smell spicy and my derriere feels sticky?

Ladies & gentlemen and people who leave kids back home and go for weddings, Alex Uncle had already sent Teena to his cousin’s house. Sergeant Samson had waged war with his entire family before. That lil one was the neighbor’s kid. Anita had 3 boyfriends. And I was dumb.

The next day as my father asked me why Alex Uncle wanted him to pay for a new dining table. I didn’t have an answer. Till this date, when Anita sees me, she bangs the door. Whenever the neighbors see me, they hide their kids. The laundry sent my clothes back with a note: Send clothes only. No sauce on the side.

The Great Plan

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