Sunday, December 4, 2011

Facebook knight

0700 hrs.

I crawled over to the study table. Checking mail isn’t something I do because it must be done. It is more of an incognizant act done purely out of habit. Like scratching your cojones. So did that. I mean the mail checking routine. Simultaneously I logged in to facebook. My mouse finger had a tingling feeling.

I would have been disappointed if there had been no new friend requests. There was one from “Eden Cherry”. One of my friends is a common friend. That will do. My friend circle is 2719 and counting.

My status update every 25 minutes has managed to harness and hold the attention of a huge fan club. I do not know half the jerks in the circle but that is irrelevant. At least a dozen click “like” when I post something even I don’t understand. Last Saturday’s “my boner is empty” got a whopping 32 likes. There was a typo that slipped in as I performed a fast update with a single blackened finger on my blackberry when I found that the Xerox machine was out of ink. Who cares! Even if I belch on facebook my darling Teena would click “like”. She is dumb and pretty. God bless her.

After a quick glance at the video uploads by my friends, I realized that I am not doing my part, enough. I promised myself that I will be more diligent and proceeded to share a few with the rest of the world. But realized a little late that the “Hot nun at Canterbury” was an inappropriate one for my good ol’ convent school teacher who recently got in touch with me. But it was all her fault. Would she ever realize that facebook font is too small for her age and eyesight? She shouldn’t be here at all.

There seems to be a lot of buzz about a dam these days. I googled it and came up with this much: “a masonry gravity dam”. I didn't understand shite. Who cares! I copied it on to my status line and got an instant “like” from Teena babe, four “shares” in 3 seconds and a “wow” from Willy, the bartender at the local joint. They must be thinkin I went to the “Harold” or something! Or is it the “Harvard?”

Holy splooge! The last time I updated a profile pic was yesterday! In a flash my handsome face was replaced by a better one. Teena once again came in like a flash and said “cute”. I love this girl. My high school friends who used to call me a “Kermit” should see this. But the “Celeb look alike” app on facebook keeps telling me I look like Iggy Pop. I hate that app.

Suresh is screaming in CAPS that some guy called Mark Wahlberg will shut down facebook for ever. Doucheberg! How could he? I shared this vital info with everyone and now that butt-wipe Suresh who said it in the first place seems to have deleted his post. Am I feeling like an idiot or is it something I ate?

Enough if this nonsense. I’ve got that email to be forwarded to a 100 people. For every 100 persons, Bangbros (weird name!) will donate a penis to some guys in Saudi Aarabia who looked at female goats and sang a song. Save our world, you people. It is all ending one pretzel at a time.

Well….I know you will google THAT for sure.

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