Kick it !

Ever felt like kicking your own butt? Some may smile and agree. Others may vigorously shake their heads and say NO. Those who say yes are the ones who think they need some help in getting some stuff right. A whack on a strategically important spot may awaken some grey cells into thinking or even into submission, in spite of the fact that the impact zone and the thinking zone lie in different poles. The ones who say NO may have more than one reason. “I have others to do it” is often the most common of them. How ever if you fall in the first category, continue smiling. For its comin your way…!

Mr. Joe W. Armstrong holds the United States patent on a device that will do exactly what you are thinking. Its gonna kick your butt! Mr. Armstrong holds United States patent 6293874 for a, "User-Operated Amusement Apparatus for Kicking the User's Buttocks." Check out the very detailed diagram. Isnt that posture actually appealing!

Essentially, a simple hand pedal is connected underground to what looks like a windmill with a boot attached to each blade. When a user is in the mood for "fun," or is just feeling like a fool, they simply lean over, turn the pedal mechanism and voila: they can kick their own butt to their heart's content! But mind you; if you look at the diagram carefully, you would see that there are some perils involved. It is very obvious that your butt has to be positioned accurately before you commence the kicking process. The boot is pointed and may modify the “kick-your-butt” option to a “kick-your-balls” option; which can be quite effective in convincing that if you paid for this contraption, you probably deserve it.
If you still prefer watching "others using machines", this isn’t for you. But if you some times get this feeling of mild self-loathing; there is a 30 day-trial-money back offer to test fly this bird!
P.S My sleuth squad informs me that an enterprising Jamaican has applied for the patent for an updated “Butt-kicker” meant for “larger” surfaces. What happened to the “one size-fits all” movement? What is this world coming to?

Getting high; Down under!

Here is something that will throw all your notions about getting that lovely dizzy feeling out thru the window..! Creativity, necessity, desperation and technology has joined arms in finding out a new, radical way f getting pinked! read on...

The following is what I found...not exactly my words..

A rather odd drink administration technique is the practice of soaking tampons in vodka and inserting them vaginally;for girls who drink ofcourse. The practice is typically employed by teenage girls in the hope of getting high while avoiding detection by parents. Less commonly teenage boys and girls may insert vodka soaked tampons rectally!!(previous experience may help, say some real bad people). Some of the attraction of the practice is undoubtedly related to teenage sexuality, although there are no studies that address this. Its chief attractions are likely to be the transportability of the dosage form, and the abusing teen's perceived ability to deceive authority – parents, others. The use of vodka soaked tampons is not particularly new and has never really had a large following. There are good reasons that this practice has not become more prevalent. However, DPIC (Drug & poison information centre, University of British Columbia) has received several recent calls about this alcohol abuse technique. It is possible that this novel form of alcohol abuse may be increasing!
Having said that, it would be wise to know the rest also; as I understand it..

Plus side: No stomach upsets usually associated with heavy drinking; reduced smell of alcohol (a little of it still comes out thru ur breath, folks!)
Flip side: Considerable burning sensation in "you know where"; Cannot beat breath-analyzers (inlcuding talented wives); possibilty of leakage from tampons(difficult to explain if u r caught with a damp patch & especially if u r a guy); prolonged discomfort and potential for bleeding(here teenage girls have an advantage by default cos guys have no clue what this means)

Personally I feel that an orifice should be used for the purpose it was intended for by the Creator. So, explorers shall seek at their own risk...Amen!

tail lights

It takes about an hour & a half to reach Dubai from Abu Dhabi. So if I had started at 10.30 am, I should be in Dubai at 12 noon. In fact that is what happened on 22nd May.
Four of us had booked tickets to go to Bahrain for the Toastmasters Intl District 79 Annual conference. We found that Jazeera airlines offered cheap tickets from Dubai. Infact we were in Dubai at 1.45 pm. The lunch was more than what we had expected at our friend's place. Flight was at 6.45 pm. We were ready by 4 pm. It should not take us more than 15 minutes to reach the air port. All looked good.

Those few moments when you think every thing is fine, is what you should call "panic".

And if everything is coming your way, may be you are on the wrong track.

Suddenly our friend realised that he had mistakenly given his credit card to his son. The next 45 minutes were spend trying to retrieve the card. Time was 15 minutes short of 5.

Taxis simply refused to stop for another 10 minutes. That is when HE appeared; the guy who offered us his services for a fair price. He had a van & he would take us to the airport.

The next 10 minutes were spend walking to the place where he had parked his van. I thought we had already walked half the distance to the destination. Once we saw the van, I knew that my premonitions were about to get real....

The van was full of impatient sweating men. There were 4 of us & there were only 3 seats. Any ways the van took off...

Took off?.....what am I saying here?

The next 90 minutes were spend trying to reach the airport which I am sure I saw twice when we passed by some adjacent roads. Our driver had a SMALL doubt regarding which exit to take to reach terminal 2.Our friend simply made another call to confirm the terminal number and this time there was a change. We should be at terminal 1. This time it was our driver's turn to curse. But cursing unfortunately doesnt stop the clock. It went faster than our van in the circular race.

Before 6.30 pm we reached the airport. Check in counters had closed 45 minutes ago.

Once again we purchased tickets for Bahrain. This time on Gulf Air. Twice the amount. We remembered that we had come all the way to Dubai to board a budget airline. Gulf air had flights from Abu Dhabi also.

Our next flight was at 11 pm. I am not exaggerating here: all outbound flights from Dubai were on time; except ours. The one that was supposed to start at 11.45 also took off. We looked at its tails lights with mixed emotions.

Finally we boarded our plane after 12 midnight.It was lovely; the last one to leave an airport gets to switch off the lights.

close call

A story that didnt make it to my blog so far..

It was 11 March; a tuesday. I have been travelling to Dubai since sunday for my intermediate haccp certification. The trainer was Dr Pandiyan. He was a nice guy. Actually! Every sentence he uttered began & ended with "actually". My boss named him "Actual Pandiyan". If I take that as a clue, I should have named my boss "Regardless Naser"

Back to 11th of March. It has been unusually foggy here in the morning for the last few days. Today was exceptional.

We started by around 7 am. But on 11th, my boss was 10 minutes late. I cant complain. He does the driving and the conversation. Keeps him awake. Not me.

On the way we always stop at an adnoc station for gas, coffee. That day we didn't see the place. It was too foggy to even spot the gas station. Little later we realised that we had missed both the gas stations en route to Dubai. We were already late. The fog didnt help.

The traffic suddenly slowed. Unusual because there are no traffic lights on the highway until you reach Dubai. Suddenly there was this guy on the road waving and screaming in Arabic. The traffic came to a stand still. We suspected an accident. We were right. But totally wrong about the enormity of the incident. This is what happened...

"...a terrible crash involving more than 200 cars occurred in the 25km stretch of Abu Dhabi-Dubai highway near Ghantoot. The massive car pile-up was due to heavy fog lingering in the air. There were up to 25 cars in arson, leaving a death toll at least 6 persons so far and hundreds injured in what is known to be the country’s biggest vehicle crash in history..."

After the trafffic jams & diversions we were in Dubai 6 hours later. We came back in the evening and saw the debris still being cleaned away. It was BAD. We were glad we were back back in one piece. We were glad that we were late.

9 am tales

9 am, sunday morning. Bad. First day of the week. Thats how it is here in UAE.We start on a sunday, heck.

It isn't summer yet but the sun is already scorching the window. I have my coffee, PC is on. Just like every one else I start by checking my email. I do it everyday, religiously. As if my freakin life depended on it.

12 mails today. One about insurance.They say if I dont make a move now,I would regret later. Cant say anything pleasant to a guy who doesnt have much to look forward to anyways? Then the usual info on viagra, homeloans & holidays in hawaii. If you are a guy close to 40, thats a tough choice to make; I mean which one to read first. Now; you just made a wild guess about my age, didnt ya? Thats where I would surprise you; I deleted all 3 mails.

There were another 6 mails from people I know. From those who think I can benefit from forwarded information. It was interesting. One was the picture of a few young Indian cricketers sneakin a peek on some female fan's underwear that peeked out at them. Come on guys; they are still guys!

8 more mails to go.One warned me that I would just roll over and die if I didnt forward some shit to another 12 unsuspecting victims. Then some 2 dozen photos from great locales around the world including Cochin. Got my aging PC wheezing under the load. But I got even with that guy. I send it back to him. Do unto others' PC what you want done for yours. (I know that sentence is wrong,..some where..)

The other mails were jokes,then some story about a guy who couldn't pee straight went on to become a Hollywood movie star, an invite from a certain "Kate" who saw my profile in some dating club & concluded that I looked hot. Geee....

One last mail from an old friend of mine inquiring if I was alive.I sent a mail back to him aying that it was an auto-generated response from my PC & he doesn't have to respond.

It is 9.45 am. I have a class at 10 am. I have to talk to my students about "Time management".

Next week I will talk about "How to nail spaghetti to the ceiling"

dread

You can tell your friends that they mean the world to you & laugh inside.
You can buy a diamond for your wife and rape Monica bellucci in your mind at the same time.
You can pray and pretend that it is God you are thinking of.
You can say " I love" & plot murder.
You can gift & curse simultaneously because you know you wont get anything in return.
You can pretend that you are not reading this right now.
You can fake every emotion..except one

FEAR

You cant pretend; you dont have to; you dont want to...

Man, animal, anything in between; knows it.

It hasnt changed the way it has been expressed; though the mediums are many.

Sophocles said; "To whom who is in fear, everything rustles"

Hitchcock said; "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it"

I am afraid I cant find more words. There is so much to fear; if you allow it.

Or-cute!

Orkut helped me relish that great feeling once again; to say hello to some people with whom I had lost touch completely. I also got introduced to a few new friends. Incidentally, there were a few other things I noticed about Orkut.

I could be in my early teens, doing my math home work at home, drinking pepsi & wondering when would those nasty braces leave my mouth. But to the world of orkuters, I am "Balding Beelzebub-farting sulphur". Those testimonials submitted by the ones who adore me, describe me as the hottest thing next to lava. I still wet my bed at night but my "about me" is steamy stuff & my hobbies/passions include walking with the dead & playing poker with them. My display pic will curdle your screams.

It would be a criminal waste of time for me to read newspapers but my "book list" has Alisdair McIntyre,GJ Warnock and a few other names that I dont understand. I am the member of 969 communities including "Baby-maker for hire", moderator for a few dozen and hey; I am just getting started !

The last time I ever contributed to any community was when I responded to some guy who explained in detail about what he would do to my wife if I continued saying "sup dude!" for no apparent reason. I stopped with my first response. My other friend sounded serious enough to be noticed, respected.

I scrap like ducks crap & forward stuff to others as if my bloomin life depended on it. When my dad cut my net connection for 1 week for absconding from math tuition, I informed the rest of the world that "Im away neutering dragons". When I got my PC back I let the world know so that they may sleep again.

I host intellectually stimulating polls that draw orkuters by truck loads. My "Barsoap-moist or slippery?" scored a record million hits! (and still counting!)

Next week I will be "Hellbent-not straight". The week after I shall be "Copperhead casanova". I have it all written down. I love Orkut. It's so cool dude! What say u?

When it rains...

It rained here. Yes, it rained here. So? Folks back at home would yawn and say so much as a "So?". Alright, I am in uAE & here its NEWS. It sure did a few things anyways today morning.

When I reached my office, there was no power. I suddenly remembered that the signal lights just before our street were not working. Traffic cops were out & exercising their limbs. Come to think of it; they were such a stark contrast to our guys back at home. It seemed like these guys were enjoying it. To be the boss of the lights one day.

The cafeteria was a mess. There was rain water every where. When you build a house in the desert, storm water drainage is the last thing you think of.

One floor was out of power because rain water got into the electrical circuits and shorted out some where. The entire computer lab was down. Right outside the lobby, there was a mini pool. A group of pigeons were looking down from the roof, all confused. Even my boss was confused. But he beat them pegions convincingly in getting "the expression" correct. There were a 1000 leaks in the building.

A dozen accidents, flooded streets, road blocks, crawling traffic & to top it all, Mr Bush. Airport road was blocked all the way from the airport to the hotel.

Who knows?,may be some guy at the top of the rung thought it would be a cool idea to sprinkle some ammonium nitrate to make the day memorable. (just kidding)

He should have swallowed it....the idea I mean...

Mixxed up..

Some stuff is always best left alone.

Humanbeings who evolved as a result of a million years learned a lot of lessons the hard way. often simple but important things.The first time he touched a live ember, he learned that he shouldn't use his naked fingers to do that. The first experience must have been totally convincing. Soon he also learned that he could kill an ember with water. That mix works. But if you combine fire with oil, you have a different result. That lesson must have taken a bit longer to learn.

The evolution, they say, is complete. But we keep making mistakes with some mixing. It all gets mixed up; badly.

Religion is certainly man-made. It is also a universal fact that what ever was made by man, has its flaws. Some times the nice stuff outnumber the flaws to that extent, one wouldn't have to worry much about it.That is when it is wise to quote the first sentence of this blog, again: "Some stuff is best left alone"

Politics, another man made phenomenon, is a universal mixer. It mixes with any thing easily. For eg: it combines with good & bad people with out discrimination. It is no surprise that it mixes so well with politics. The news from my home state Kerala reinstates this fact.(Pardon me, I am too sick & tired to explain it here)

The church in the past has never been shy of politics. In fact it has been everything the politics is now, at one time. More over, the common man who has his own religious ideology is also a part of a secular society. This dual association itself is complicated. The chaos is intensified when the clergy interferes in politics with the same intensity they would show in practising their faith.

How much practical discerning is possible when we try to understand the overlapping realms of religion and politics? Where do we draw the lines?

How justified are our religious leaders who campaign for or against political parties?

Complexities; ambiguities. But if we put people first & the rest second in line; would that put somebody's beliefs in jeopardy? How logical is it to have a combined edition of a holy book and a constitution?

Atleast to me, the relative unimportance of politics in religion is the same as it is in the case of religiousising politics. They both serve humanity. But why should we mix it? This mixed serving is dangerous. Are the servers listening?

E-how!

It was a friend's remark adorned with a few emoticons during a casual chat that made me think of this topic. He thinks that in the begining there was nothing and then came technology. Technology is the big fat mother of all creations. Big bang was nothing but a tracheal irritation in comparison.

It is mostly the IT professionals I have met (not all of them) who seemed to go ga ga over tech-stuff, especially about their own spheres of work. Technology is the supreme being and every one is supposed to pay obeisance to it. Even the slightest disregard including an ignorant facial expression would be held against you if you dont.Or worse, thou shall be ignored.

If you do not own a PC, you are a savage
No i-pod? not i-ntelligent
No mobile phone? no body will even attend your funeral
If you do not chat, you are chaff
No credit card? not worth anything
No email? which planet are you on?


I may worship God,logic and reason.But technology is sort of a by-product. Just a tool. I don't worship people espousing how to live or think, based on how they feel or interpret events for eg:. reading palms. Neither do I worship technology just because it has a purpose, unlike organized religion and/or generic spirituality.

I am against the veneration of technology - mostly when it takes a higher priority than a human being.Technology affects my life in a profound way. It puts food on my table and stimulates my grey cells. But it doesn't own my head, unlike the ones who claim that they are wedded to it.

If he can't understand how the hand that held a steel knife had the power to gift or steal a life, his e-vision was blurred. It isn't the sugar that makes the coffee sweet; it is the stirring. May the Tech-gods e-help him!

The ship of Theseus

What do you carry forward from yesterdays?

"You are still the same person, dear!" This compliment sounds nice at times but lacks conviction; and why?

Priorities have changed and thus planning. Friends have changed and thus preferences. Outlook has changed and thus opinions. Even the way you look has changed over these years.

Ever since I was born I lost many things perioidically; starting with the shedding my skin, my hair, my teeth...my innocence..to name a few.In return I aquired many. Habits, dislikes, passions, vices,lover, love, loathing, lice..though not in the same sequence.

The face I see daily in the mirror has changed a lot but the familiarity with the routine has probably made the gradual but certain changes inconspicuous.

I am no more of what I was before. My friend made the mistake of misinterpreting a fleeting glimpse of an old big toothed grin of mine and concluded that I am my former self. I am prone to such mistakes too.

Change, in all its manifestations has to be the essence of life. In my shoe size, in my career, in the seasons, in growth and deacy....it is unsettling.

I even changed my house 4 times in 7 months. It wasn't amusing. But there were not too many choices. Hail Heraclitus!

Or on a more philosophical note: I must have been hiding inside my shell and it is wearing off gradually. If I am not already exposed now, one day I would be. The strip tease is on, though it is't getting much attention from others..!

Or like the fabled onion, I shall become "no more" in the process and leave only the sting, a tear or two but nothing else.

I am the ship of Theseus.Heck, we all are...